(Deep) Thinking Out Loud
It's amazing what happens when you put away the scale. For a long time, my life was defined by the number that popped up every morning when I stepped on. If I was up even half a pound from what I considered "normal", I was devastated and would skimp by on next to nothing. If it was down, you better believe I was indulging that day. I made myself MISERABLE over a stupid little number!
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it on here but I use to be over 200 pounds at my heaviest. In fact, I was over weight until I was 18 years old--and that's when I decided enough was enough. I started exercising, found my passion for running, and began eating healthier. I didn't pay much attention to the scale--I'd weigh myself MAYBE once every couple of weeks, if that. When I headed off to college, I weighed somewhere in the upper 170's which from where I started, was AWESOME. I felt good about myself and although I knew I had more to go, I didn't stress over it too much. My freshman year, I lost another 8 pounds or so and did it the healthy way.
And then my sophomore year hit and my roommate and I bought a scale to put in our bathroom. That's when things slowly started derailing for me. There's always that pressure in college to "fit" in, literally. My friends were great and they of course didn't care one way or the other but I started getting up and weighing myself every morning before class. This is where mentally, I started falling apart. I didn't show it and to be honest, none of my friends probably even knew (nor do they know now) that I started having issues with my weight but this was just the start of what has become a battle I still fight occasionally to this day.
This "battle" as I like to call it got to be it's worst last summer, right before my wedding. Let me tell you--weddings = pressure. Especially for a perfectionist like myself. I was pretty go with the flow about the details about my wedding (i.e., food, venue, flowers, etc) but when it came to my wedding dress and looking good on the big day, I was adamant that I was going to look freakin' GOOD. No matter what it took. Combine this with a few big family health issues that popped up and man, I was a mess heading in the WRONG direction. There were times last summer where I'd weigh myself 3-4 times a DAY. How ridiculous is that?! I'd weigh myself before every single meal and after on occasion, just to see how much I gained. And when I say I would get devastated over the number..... I mean it. I was a beast to be around on bad days. It completely consumed my mind and affected every pat of my day. I remember the day it hit it's peak--I ran this incredible 8k one night and had a freakin' blast. I was stoked because I ran at night so SURELY I had to weigh less the next day when I woke up. (That's how bad it was!) Well.. news flash--I woke up 3 pounds heavier and was PISSED. I was even more upset because we had our wedding food tasting later that day and I knew that it was going to be completely unhealthy and that I'd gain even more. That Sunday was when I was at my lowest and knew that something had to give. It HAD to.
And then, a week later, a good cross fit friend of mine introduced me to Advocare. And before anyone starts rolling their eyes, this is by no means an infomercial or product review telling you to go out and do the 24 day challenge. But in my case, Advocare is what mentally helped me get to where I am today.
After going months and months with eating next to nothing, not caring about nutrition, and letting the scale rule my world, Advocare FORCED me to eat every couple of hours, fuel properly, and throw calories counts out the window and focus more on the quality of food I was eating. Day 1 of the challenge, I told my husband to take away the scale, lock it up, and not get it out until day 25. And you know what? During the course of those 24 days, I quit caring about a number and started caring about myself. And I ate... a LOT.
During that first challenge, I lost four pounds. Nothing substantial in the least. But I felt good. And for the first time, I didn't really care what the number said anyway. Mentally, this is where I started taking back control of my body.
On my wedding day, I have no idea what I weighed. Like, no clue. The night before my wedding? I drank way too much whiskey, had ice cream cake, and god knows what else. But you know what? I looked darn good the next day. And my honeymoon? Boy did I ever indulge. I drank more than I had since COLLEGE, ate any and everything fried, and enjoyed life not caring about anything other than spending time with my new husband.
That was six months ago. And I'm happy to say today that I weigh 7 pounds MORE than I did after that first Advocare challenge. But you know what? Since last August, I've learned what it means to fuel myself properly, I'm stronger, I have muscles I didn't even know existed, I look BETTER and most importantly, my scale is currently on top of our dryer collecting dust.. and lent. No matter what your feelings are about Advocare, I don't care. I just know that I'm grateful I found it because it helped me gain control of my life again.
Okay, this is totally not where I saw Thinking Out Loud going today but.... I'm glad I put it all out there. If you stuck around to read the whole thing--I'm impressed. :)
I hope this helps someone. But if anything, it's helped me to leave it all out there.
Have a great Thursday! And remember, you're more than a number!
Sarah
Beautiful post, Sarah :) I can totally relate to finding so much happiness and freedom away from the scale. It's been around 2+ years since I've weighed myself, and it's nice to have the power to decide how I feel rather than have it based on some number that really doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot at all. I understand that scales can be useful in some circumstances, but for the majority of people? I really feel like they hurt more than they help.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I've been on the struggle bus with a recent gain in weight. I think some of it is due to ending marathon training and not running as much, adding in weight training, and eating too much of the wrong thing. It's wearing me out. I needed to read this today. Thanks for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteI'm recommitting to cooking next week. We are on a mini vacation until Tuesday and I am justing letting it go until then. I'll get back to where I was, but I can't continue to stress it until then.